Top Ten List

Top ten reader-submitted responses to the question, “Why is your Lamborghini black with gold sparkles down the middle?”

10. “It matches my shoes.” —PeacePipe21

9. “Three words: Liberace Estate Sale.” –Ken D.

8. “The gold for the side panels was back-ordered.” —Aaron H.

7. “My Bedazzler was broken.” —Sue L.

6. “Winning? Duh.”  —Stephanie S./BigTopGun

5. “What are you talking about? My Lamborghini isn’t gold spark– What the fuck?! Chanterelle!” –MorkOfOrk

4. “It’s for my daughter, Beverly Hills Bitch Barbie.” –NoAmbition

3. “You remember that guy from Top Chef: Just Deserts who put gold glitter on everything? No? Oh. Well, I’m him.” —Rob W.

2. “Advanced radar-scattering paint makes me immune to speed traps.” –CobaltBlue

1. “I have a small penis.” –22 people submitted a variation on this

Thanks for playing. Tonight I am going out with Jennifer to hear her band play again. Wish me luck.

Ferrari Guy (Compliments, part 4)

Pretty much everyone who drives a Ferrari is an asshole.

I can only imagine the little shriveled-up penises that drove these guys to make that purchase. But as I pulled up beside a stereotypical Ferrari owner (fat, bald, old), I suddenly started feeling sorry for him. I mean, all he wants is for people to admire him. Maybe have a few hot girls initiate a three-way. But mostly it’s just about someone–anyone–telling him, “You made it, Irwin. You are cool.”

So I decided to kill two birds with one stone and compliment a Ferrari driver on how nice his car is. I rolled down my window and yelled, “Hey, man, sweet ride!”

He just looked over at me, checked me for sincerity, then just nodded. A little hint of a self-satisfied smirk. But mostly just the nod. Like, “I know. But thanks for saying so anyway.”

The light turned green and he peeled out, as required by the unwritten rule of the road that says the nicer car goes first.

I have mixed feelings about this one. I drove off wondering whether it was wrong to fuel his pathetic but fragile ego like that.