Rocker Slut

So I went to hear Jennifer’s band play again Friday night. They sucked worse than before but I put up with it for obvious reasons.

Then, after the show, I went backstage and there was Jennifer making out with some dude.

Needless to say I was pretty stunned. I mean, we’ve only been going out for a few weeks, and it’s not like we’re exclusive or anything, but I did expect that we’d be exclusive on the nights we were on a date!

The oddest and most whack-job thing was her reaction. She did stop making out with the guy, but then she just said, “Oh, hey, this is Rob,” like they were caught in the middle of doing her taxes. (Rob, it turns out, is the bass player, who I later learned Jennifer “sometimes hooks up with.”) I was just so stunned I actually shook his hand.

After I came to my senses, I told Jennifer I was taking off. I drove home planning on never talking to her again. We didn’t talk on Saturday but then she called me on Sunday and said, “What happened to you? Why did you take off like that?” But she did finally show some sense of reality when she added, “Are you mad at me or something?”

I explained that making out with Rob was not cool. At least when we were out together. She laughed it off, “That’s why you’re mad? Please, I was drunk.”

Am I crazy? Okay, maybe they weren’t boning, but still. This chick is nuts, right?

Top Ten List

Top ten reader-submitted responses to the question, “Why is your Lamborghini black with gold sparkles down the middle?”

10. “It matches my shoes.” —PeacePipe21

9. “Three words: Liberace Estate Sale.” –Ken D.

8. “The gold for the side panels was back-ordered.” —Aaron H.

7. “My Bedazzler was broken.” —Sue L.

6. “Winning? Duh.”  —Stephanie S./BigTopGun

5. “What are you talking about? My Lamborghini isn’t gold spark– What the fuck?! Chanterelle!” –MorkOfOrk

4. “It’s for my daughter, Beverly Hills Bitch Barbie.” –NoAmbition

3. “You remember that guy from Top Chef: Just Deserts who put gold glitter on everything? No? Oh. Well, I’m him.” —Rob W.

2. “Advanced radar-scattering paint makes me immune to speed traps.” –CobaltBlue

1. “I have a small penis.” –22 people submitted a variation on this

Thanks for playing. Tonight I am going out with Jennifer to hear her band play again. Wish me luck.

Rocker Grrrl

Jennifer and I did it last night and she was amazing.

I’ll be honest. In my limited experience, women are all about the same in bed. That is to say, the standard deviation between awesome in bed and sucky in bed is very small for me. Now of course my sample size is far too limited to be accurate; hence the incredible deviation last night. Jennifer is just wild and fun and sexy and I don’t know what to say, she was just really good at it.

Ah, but here’s the problem. Cut to three hours earlier. I finally got to see Jennifer’s band perform at a club. And guess what? She is awful. The band blows, the songs suck, and Jennifer can’t sing for shit.

First of all, the “club” was little more than some loser’s rec room. I was expecting the Sunset Strip. Instead, we all crammed into a tiny little basement in some douche’s house in Hollywood. But regardless of the venue, the real problem is that Jennifer has absolutely no talent. I mean, at singing. I’ve already established that she has talent elsewhere.

I guess I just had this fantasy that I was dating Courtney Love or something (a cute version). I built it up in my head that she would be a kick-ass rocker chick and that it would be cool hanging out with her and the band.

But it wasn’t cool. It was really, really embarrassing. So I lied. And I was rewarded with the best sex of my life.

So great. Now what do I do? Keep telling her she’s great and sit through countless more high school talent show reject shows, or tell her the truth and lose her great sex stuff forever? I am so pissed. Why couldn’t she have just been good? Is that too much to ask for? Like at least American Idol Hollywood Week good. Not “I don’t know this chick” bad.

Elevator Girl, Master of Indifference

I had lunch with Michelle just now. I asked her about that guy was dating and she said it didn’t work out.

And she’s not seeing anyone new either.

She asked about me and I said I was dating Jennifer. I told her it was early on in the relationship (which she obviously interpreted as meaning we hadn’t slept together yet), but that I like her. She seemed genuinely happy for me, which was not at all what I was going for.

Maybe Michelle is just a good actress but she sure didn’t seem like she was upset that I “moved on.” I told her about Jennifer’s band and how I’m going to see them tomorrow night. She said, “She sounds really cool.” And then we talked about other stuff.

I don’t know why but I feel totally pissed off right now.