Bad Parker

Last night I went down to the garage to get my car to leave work and I noticed the car next to me was parked like an idiot.

You know the type, some asshole who’s too busy to line it up, so he just leaves it diagonally across the space. I literally couldn’t open my door.

So I go to leave a note. Like, “Nice parking job, asshole.” That counts as talking to strangers, right? The only problem is, as soon as I put it on the windshield, the driver shows up! And it’s not some Jersey Shore asshole, it’s a cute girl.

“You’re leaving me a note because I parked like a moron, right?”

I quickly pulled the note off her windshield and tucked it in my pocket. “No. Well, yes. It’s just, I can’t get into my car.”

She apologized. Seems she was in a daze this morning because someone stole her phone and she was trying to remember all the data they have access to now. I asked her if she could do a remote wipe and she said she didn’t download that app.

Anyway, long story short, we’re going out Friday night. She felt bad about blocking me in (I exaggerated how long I’d been waiting) but only agreed to go out on the condition that I show her what I wrote in the note.

I showed it to her and she laughed. (The note said, “Fuck you, you fucking inconsiderate fuck. Get some fucking parking lessons.”)

“I didn’t think I’d run into the owner.”

“Obviously,” she replied. She said she was impressed by how many “fucks” I’d worked into the note. And that I had rage issues. And that she’d pick me up at 7:00.

Compliments, part 3

1. To the guy at the ticket booth in the garage: “Hey, great song. Who’s that you’re listening to?” Turns out it was Shakira. Don’t get me wrong, I know who Shakira is, but I have to honestly say I’ve never heard a single thing she’s done.

Her music is just not on my pre-sets. But it was all right, I guess. Anyway, he looked at me like I was dumb for not knowing.

2. To the (heavy) woman picking out apples at Whole Foods: “Hey, I love your earrings.” Her response was basically, “Are you talking to me?” but after the initial shock of a stranger talking to her, she smiled and said, “Thanks.” I wish I could convey how blown away she was by this simple little thing.