Chloe, Meet Michelle

Michelle and I were hanging out at the Farmers’ Market in Brentwood when I saw the pet adoption sign.

Normally, Chloe works in Santa Monica on the weekends, but for some reason, she was in Brentwood this time. I thought about avoiding her, but why should I? She dumped me after all. And it’s not like I needed to prove anything to Chloe but still I couldn’t help feel excited at showing off Michelle to her.

So we went up to the adoption area and I said, “Hey, Chloe.”

She turned and saw me. I said, “This is Michelle. Michelle, this is Chloe.” Now Michelle already knew who Chloe was so it was no big deal but Chloe had no idea who Michelle was.

Chloe said, “Hey, nice to meet you.” She turned to me and asked, “How is Tad?”

I told her he was doing well. You could tell she missed him and suddenly I felt kind of bad. I mean, Chloe never really did anything wrong to me. So I said I would bring him around some time.

Michelle said she was going to look at some strawberries. That’s one thing I love about Michelle. She’s very secure in our relationship and had no problem excusing herself so Chloe and I could catch up.

After some small talk, Chloe said she thought Michelle seemed perfect for me. I wasn’t sure what she meant by that but she seemed genuinely happy for me. It hadn’t been that long since we were together but I had already forgotten how nice Chloe is. So I said to her, “You know, Chloe, I’m sorry things didn’t work out between us, but I just want to say, you are one of the nicest, most sincere and generous people I’ve ever met.”

Chloe smiled and said, “Wow, if you would have said stuff like that, we’d probably still be together.”

She laughed and I went to find Michelle.


As everyone within 100 miles of Los Angeles knows, this weekend is Carmageddon, i.e., the shutdown of the 405 freeway.

The spillover onto the surface streets means it’s going to be gridlock everywhere. Most people are staying in the whole weekend, which is actually kind of nice. I don’t have anywhere I need to be this weekend, except there’s one problem: Chloe lives in Sherman Oaks.

To get from Sherman Oaks to Brentwood (or vice versa) may in fact be impossible this weekend. That’s why I have proposed to Chloe a novel idea: we are going to have a sleepover. That’s right, Chloe is moving in. At least until Monday.

We have a lot of activities planned. Movie marathon, dog park, game of Monopoly. Maybe we’ll even make S’mores on the stove. She has to go to the adopt-a-pet thing on Sunday but I’m wondering if walking around exclusively without any driving will enhance my opportunities to talk to strangers. Stay tuned…

Going for a Walk

A year ago, Sunday would have meant watching TV or catching up on work.

I hate the outdoors. I don’t like hiking, biking, or riding on whatever you call those pretentious three-wheel sit-down chopper-bicycles that you see tree-huggers on sailing down San Vicente. But I am such a changed man these days that yesterday I went for a walk.

First, I stopped at Coffee Bean and got a coffee. I hate all the losers sitting on their laptops but I like coffee so it’s a trade-off. The guy at the counter is paid to make small talk, so it doesn’t count that we discussed (for about thirty seconds) how glad we are that the fucking L.A. Marathon is over. Those people make our lives a living hell with all the road closures.

Next I was heading east on San Vicente and stopped at that frame shop. There’s never anyone in there and I always wonder how they pay the rent in such a pricey location. I learned the owner is from Iran. But he said he was “Persian.” I asked him why people from Iran always say “Persian” when there’s no “Persia” anymore. Apparently, Persia was the western name for Iran. It’s a lot more complicated than that, but that’s basically the gist of it.

I had lunch at Barny’s Burgers where there is this cute waitress that I always talk to. She’s told me her name a bunch of times, but I have a mental block and can never remember. But I did remember that she’s from San Francisco and we talked about that. She misses the vibe SF has. She says L.A. is too self-absorbed. I said, “Sorry, what did you say? I was reading a text under the table.”

I headed back to Barrington and stopped at Whole Foods. Saw that nose ring girl and said hi. I think she remembers me. Whole Foods is easy to talk to people in because there’s a lot of stuff that’s confusing, especially in the cheese shop. Asking questions is always a good way in.

Walked home with some groceries. Half-way there I wished I had taken my car, but still…

Beautiful Women Love Cupcakes

I’m walking down San Vicente on the way to Baja Fresh and I see three tall, beautiful women coming towards me.

They look like supermodels. They’ve got some sort of stretch pants on, and jog bras or something on top. Hair pulled back in a pony tail, just like Tyra says to do (so I’ve heard). And to top it all off, they’re eating cupcakes.

Seriously. It looks like the beginning of a porno scene. Or at least a music video.

They pass by me (I’m getting good at talking to strangers, but not so much hot Amazons licking icing), and I kept going. Suddenly, I notice two more women, just as hot, going into some store.

The store is called “Susie Cakes.” It’s apparently been there for months, maybe even years, but I’ve never noticed it before. Before I knew it, I found myself inside the store looking around.

I was literally the only man in the entire store. There was a long line, filled with every kind of hot woman. I was dumbfounded. You’d expect some overweight women in a cupcake shop, but not here. Not in Brentwood. Here, Susie Cakes is the feeding grounds of the insanely hot woman.

I had to find out the secret to this place. Sure I was intimidated, but I steeled myself and tapped the gorgeous woman next to me.

“Hey, what’s the deal with the cupcakes? Are they really that good?”

She looked at me like a missionary looks at a cannibal. “You’ve never tried a Susie Cake?”

“Nope. I just saw all these people and wanted to see what the big deal was.”

Three minutes later I was eating a Red Velvet cupcake at a small table with the woman. Honestly, it just tasted like a cupcake to me. Maybe better than you’d get at a kid’s birthday party but not an orgasmic experience.

I asked my new friend, “Why is it all women here?”

She explained that for women cupcakes are better than sex. And some of these women work out all week in order to eat one Susie Cake.

I nursed my cupcake so I could enjoy the sights a while. It was kind of like having a snack on Mount Olympus.

I finished my cupcake, said goodbye to Cupcake Lady, and went to Baja Fresh for some steak tacos.

Back from the Brink

I’m off suicide watch and back talking to strangers.

If and when I run into Elevator Girl I will try my best to explain what happened but until then I am going to move forward. I mean, it’s not like I killed anyone.

Actually, what kind of got me back on track was yesterday at the Farmer’s Market in Brentwood. I started talking to the nuts and raisins guy who was really nice. He makes a home-made trail mix and it’s unbelievable. The raisins are like six times bigger than the kind you get in those little boxes. He uses three kinds and mixes them in with almonds and walnuts. It’s $5.50 a pound but it’s worth it.

I talked to him for a while. Mostly about grapes. Still, I felt a little better about myself afterward.