The King of the World

Actual conversation that went down this morning when I answered an “out of area” phone call at home:

Guy with heavy Middle Eastern accent: “Hello, I am calling from your bank’s security department.

We have detected some fraud on your account, but we have resolved the matter and just need your account information to get those funds back to you.”

Me (guy who works in banking): “Oh, really? That’s so wonderful. What bank is this?”

“Bank of America?”

Lucky guess. I have an account there. Me: “Super. I’m so glad you caught the fraud.”

“Yes, that’s what we’re here for. So this will just take a few moments if I could get your information–”

“You’re calling from Bank of America?”

“No, this is the security division–”

“Of Bank of America?”

“No, this is a security firm.”

“What’s the name of the firm?”

“Consumer Protection Department.”

“The name of the company is ‘Consumer Protection Department’? Why is ‘Department’ part of the name of the company?”

“This will just take a moment, sir.”

“Okay, great. Let me get my account information. While I do that, can I get your call-back number in case I lose you?”

“My call back number?”

“Yes, in case I lose you.”

“Sir, this will only take a moment–”

“I understand that but I can’t just give out my banking information to any stranger on the phone. Can I get your name?”

“My name?”

“Yes, can I get your name?”

“Uh… Jack.”

“Jack what? Can I get your last name?”

“Uh… Dawson.”

“Jack Dawson? Wow, you sure don’t sound like a Jack Dawson, which coincidentally was also the name of Leonardo Di Caprio’s character in Titanic.”

“Damn, you’re smart.”

“Yes, I am. P.S. go fuck yourself.”

And I hung up.

Work Tool

We closed our Houston office earlier this year and those bankers got distributed to our other offices. For some reason, this took six months and today some tool named “J.T.” showed up in our office.

Obviously, given the nature of this Project, I’m very willing to give people the benefit of the doubt. But some people just do not want to get the lay of the land before opening their big mouths. J.T. dove in head-first.

“I guess I’m gonna have to teach y’all how we do things in the Lone Star State.” I was like, “Seriously?” He seemed like a cartoon character. Surely nobody is really like that. But J.T. was “born and bred” in Galveston and liked to go “huntin’ and drinkin'” in his spare time.

He relayed all of these colorful details in the break room and I went into my usual routine. “Wow, Texas sounds really great.”

He said it was “like a whole ‘nother country.”

I said, “You must have been so heartbroken when they shut down your office.”

He said he went where the job took him, “no regrets.”

I said, “Well, I’m sure you have some regrets. Like you must regret that the Houston office lost two billion dollars last year. I bet your clients regretted that.”

We all laughed at that and for the first time all day J.T. shut up.