Hall Pass

Went to see “Hall Pass” last night with Paul.

The movie mostly sucked. There were a few laughs but the Farrelly Brothers were showing their age. Just seemed like a movie from 15 years ago.

Anyway, the movie didn’t start on time and the audience was getting restless. When it eventually did start 20 minutes late, and after 15 more minutes of previews, the movie turned out to be “No Strings Attached.” People in the crowd started getting up to leave. We checked our ticket stubs and we were definitely in the right theater. Pretty soon people were shouting and eventually they stopped the movie, came out, and explained there was a mistake. They would put the right movie on asap.

But a funny thing happened. After all the shouting to the projectionist, and before “Hall Pass” started, people started talking to each other. It was a cool phenomenon to witness if you’re tuned into these things like I am. Strangers were commenting on the fuck-up with each other.

I have found the hardest part of talking to strangers is finding that shared experience to comment on. If and when I do notice it, it is always a perfect in. It has taught me to be more observant and also a better listener. And it was cool to see it in action all around me.

Elevator Girl Not Getting Off at My Floor

Michelle and I just had a long talk after work. We went out for drinks and I asked her how Valentine’s Day went. Here’s what she said:

“The guy was nice enough. Not that hot but he was funny. We had sex but I don’t think I’m going to see him again.”

I almost choked on my drink before she said, “Jesus, relax. I’m kidding.” It took me a minute to remember that I made that same exact joke awhile back.

Anyway, the guy is some sports agent and he sounds like a tool. She actually is going to see him again but she’s “taking it slow.”

I took the opportunity to lay things on the table.

“Look, Michelle, I’m pretty sure you know how I feel about you.”

She looked away and said, “Yeah.”

“I thought after you ended things with Adam you’d give me a chance.”

She got defensive. How she just couldn’t do that right now. It was all just too much to handle emotionally.

I said, “What are you afraid of?”

“What if it doesn’t work out? I can’t go through this again.”

“Well, what if it does work out? You don’t think it’s worth it to take that chance?”

She just kept saying, “I just can’t right now.”

She was getting upset, so I had to let up. I gave her an out. I said, “Okay, look. I get it. You’re not ready. The last thing I want to do is force you into something you’re not ready for. So how about this? Let’s just be friends for now. We date whoever we want. But when you’re ready, you promise you’ll let me know?”

She nodded yes and started to cry a little.

We had a few more drinks. I tried not to make fun of Sport Agent Dan, and then we took off.

But when I walked her back to her car she said, “Thank you.”

I said, “For what?”

She didn’t answer. She just kissed me. Then she left.

I got into my car and sat there for a while without turning on the ignition. What the fuck just happened?

Hot Women Also Love Frozen Yogurt

There’s this place on Montana in Santa Monica called “Menchies” and I have to say, the hottest women go there.

Maybe not as unbelievable as that cupcake place but still, it was pretty A-list. Plus, it’s almost all women. Practically no men. It kind of has a day-spa feel to it where women can go to let down their guard, eat two pounds of ice cream, I mean frozen yogurt, and just hang out with other women without being judged.

And that’s where I come into the picture. But don’t worry, I judged them all very favorably. And p.s., why do women in frozen yogurt shops all wear skin-tight yoga pants? It’s totally hot.

I went up to the one guy in the store (he worked there) and asked, “How come there’s so many pretty women in here?” Now this guy was a total stoner type, pretty overweight, with nerd/hip glasses so I knew I wasn’t going to get attacked by my question. He said, “Chicks dig the froyo.”

I asked, “What flavor do the hottest women prefer?”

He didn’t even think about it. “Dulce de leche.”

So I went over to the yogurt machine and said to no one in particular, “Yum, dulce de leche, my favorite.” A women who had just used that machine said, “Me, too.”

I said, “What toppings do you put on it?”

“Blueberries, walnuts, and hot fudge.”

I said, “That sounds terrible. I put crushed kit-kats, mini peanut butter cups, and m&m’s.” I was just making it up as I went along.

“Too much candy. You can’t overpower the yogurt.”

I laughed and said, “Hi, I’m Fletcher.” And I know this is going to sound hard to believe, but we actually ate our yogurts together and I got her phone number and I’m going to call her. Her name is Jennifer and she’s a buyer for a department store.

Honestly, I was just goofing around. I didn’t have some big plan to seduce froyo ladies. It just worked out that way.

Lunch Truck

I’m still plotting my next move with Elevator Girl and have consequently been in a bad mood all week, but still I couldn’t resist talking to this stranger: the guy in a lunch truck outside of work.

In case you’re not from L.A., gourmet lunch trucks are the new hot thing here. Not like the old fashioned turkey-sandwich-in-a-plastic-bag lunch truck of yesteryear, these trucks have things like Fifty Kinds of Chili, Rack of Lamb, Penne Pasta in a Vodka Cream Sauce, or Chipotle Lime Steak Sandwiches. (Side note, how did chipotle become the new hot pepper of choice? Did the Chipotle Growers Association spend a lot of money marketing their pepper? What ever happened to just plain old jalepenos? Bad marketing?)

Anyway, I stopped at the truck outside work yesterday because I couldn’t pass up an opportunity to try an “authentic” Philly cheese steak. I’m not from Philadelphia but I am from Pennsylvania so I’ve had authentic cheese steaks before.

This cheese steak was made with gouda. And you could get it with ribeye, chicken, sliced turkey, or lamb.

I said, “Can I get a regular cheese steak?”

The guy said, “What’s regular? Regular to you may be totally bizarre to me.”

I said, “Steak means beef and cheese means Provolone.”

So he said, “You must be from Philly. Don’t fuck with your cheese steaks, huh?”

I told him my story and he made me my cheese steak. But when I tasted it, I nearly gagged.

“What is this?!”

He said, “I wanted you to try the lamb and goat cheese.”

He completely ignored my order and gave me some bullshit Greek cheese steak.

“I do not want this.” I handed it back.

And then he just looked at me like I was an asshole and said, “Open your mind.” Literally. He literally said, “Open your mind.”

I was so steamed, I said, “How’s this for opening my mind? Fuck you!”

And I stormed off. I went to the mall and got a hamburger.

Valentine’s Day

What a load of crap Valentine’s Day is.

I sat home and watched House. Meanwhile, Michelle went on some blind date with some douche her sister set her up with.

I am thinking that I should just confront Michelle and tell her how I feel about her. I can’t wait around for her to date other people and hope that when she’s ready she miraculously remembers me. Maybe if I just lay it all on the line she’ll see that we belong together.

WTF?!

So lunch didn’t happen with Michelle till today. Here’s the relevant portion of the conversation:

“So, I’m sorry things didn’t work out with Adam,” I lied.

“Yeah, I’m sure you’re really sorry,” she said with a smile.

I laughed. “Okay, well, maybe I’m not crying per se… You seem to be taking it well.”

She explained, “My sister helped a lot. I’m mostly over it. I mean, we dated for eighteen months. I thought we were going to get married. But I haven’t been happy for a long time. And I guess I’m just fine with how things turned out. It’s for the best.”

All I heard was, “I’m over it.” It seemed like the whole Valentine’s Day thing was going to work out after all. I don’t remember my exact segue, but somehow I turned the conversation to Valentine’s Day.

“So I was wondering. I’m not doing anything and I’m guessing you’ve got no plans. Do you want to hang out and grab some dinner? No pressure or anything. I know it just sucks to spend Valentine’s Day alone.”

She looked away, kind of embarrassed and said, “I’m sorry. I’ve got plans.”

Then, still being a totally naive idiot, I said, “Oh, one of those things where you hang out with your single girlfriends?”

She smiled. “No, I’ve got a date.”

She might as well have gotten up and hit me over the head with her chair. I was literally speechless. In fact, my whole body was paralyzed. I just sat there staring at her. Then, after like twenty seconds, I said, “But…”

And that’s all I could get out. I just said “but” and I couldn’t think of anything else to say.

She must have understood my confusion because she explained, “I know it’s really soon but Alexa knew this guy, it’s this whole blind date thing, I know it’s totally awkward but Alexa said I shouldn’t be alone on Valentine’s Day.”

Alexa I’m guessing is her bitch sister.

She continued, “I’m sorry. I think it’s better this way. I think I just need something casual right now. I can’t just jump into something serious again.”

I said something about how I totally understood. How it was great to start dating again. How she should have fun.

But inside I was seething. Because I had the next fucking number in the deli line.

Game On

I left a VM for Michelle the other night and she didn’t call me back.

I was getting pretty pissed, wondering what the hell is going on. But then, from out of the blue, I just got this email:

“Sorry I didn’t call you back, it’s been crazy here. Adam and I broke up and I’ve been on the phone with my sister back east for like the last five days. Anyway, I’ll tell you all about it. Want to meet up for lunch?”

I am a genius. I played this perfectly, being supportive, letting things play out on their own. Now who does she turn to for comfort (besides her sister)?

The only thing I’m wondering is how long I have to be a good listener while she mourns the loss of her relationship before I make my move. How long does it take to get over Dr. Douche?

And to make things more complicated, I just realized Valentine’s Day is on Monday! Should I ask her out to dinner? It seems too soon but I can’t control when Valentine’s Day falls. I guess I’ll play it by ear and see how lunch goes but all I know is this is the best news I’ve gotten since… well, maybe ever.

I Need an Elevator Girl Update

I haven’t talked to Michelle in almost a month.

I was away on business then she had to go out of town for some wedding. Last I heard she and Dr. Wonderful were in couple’s therapy and it wasn’t going well. But she didn’t respond to my last two emails which is really strange.

I am going to call her tonight to check in.

Beautiful Women Love Cupcakes

I’m walking down San Vicente on the way to Baja Fresh and I see three tall, beautiful women coming towards me.

They look like supermodels. They’ve got some sort of stretch pants on, and jog bras or something on top. Hair pulled back in a pony tail, just like Tyra says to do (so I’ve heard). And to top it all off, they’re eating cupcakes.

Seriously. It looks like the beginning of a porno scene. Or at least a music video.

They pass by me (I’m getting good at talking to strangers, but not so much hot Amazons licking icing), and I kept going. Suddenly, I notice two more women, just as hot, going into some store.

The store is called “Susie Cakes.” It’s apparently been there for months, maybe even years, but I’ve never noticed it before. Before I knew it, I found myself inside the store looking around.

I was literally the only man in the entire store. There was a long line, filled with every kind of hot woman. I was dumbfounded. You’d expect some overweight women in a cupcake shop, but not here. Not in Brentwood. Here, Susie Cakes is the feeding grounds of the insanely hot woman.

I had to find out the secret to this place. Sure I was intimidated, but I steeled myself and tapped the gorgeous woman next to me.

“Hey, what’s the deal with the cupcakes? Are they really that good?”

She looked at me like a missionary looks at a cannibal. “You’ve never tried a Susie Cake?”

“Nope. I just saw all these people and wanted to see what the big deal was.”

Three minutes later I was eating a Red Velvet cupcake at a small table with the woman. Honestly, it just tasted like a cupcake to me. Maybe better than you’d get at a kid’s birthday party but not an orgasmic experience.

I asked my new friend, “Why is it all women here?”

She explained that for women cupcakes are better than sex. And some of these women work out all week in order to eat one Susie Cake.

I nursed my cupcake so I could enjoy the sights a while. It was kind of like having a snack on Mount Olympus.

I finished my cupcake, said goodbye to Cupcake Lady, and went to Baja Fresh for some steak tacos.

Lunch with Old Guy

Yesterday I went to the mall to have lunch and it was packed. There were no tables anywhere so I made a big move: I asked if I could sit down with some old guy eating by himself.

The old me never would have done this in a million years. I would have just taken my sushi back to the office. But I was hungry and I wasn’t going to eat standing up.

Naturally, I starting talking to the guy. He was a lawyer, one of the founding partners of a medium sized firm in Century City. He’s retired now, but still goes into the office just to “keep an eye on things.” We got to talking and I told him about Scott and the TV. Not exactly asking for a legal opinion, just wondering what he thought I should do.

And the guy said, “Let it go.” I couldn’t believe that was his advice, but he gave me a whole speech about life being too short, how litigation makes you tired, etc.

So I guess maybe I’ll just let it go.